"at least it's not saudi"

this phrase has to be the most common refrain of my life's music here in doha. when i hear it coming, an almost warmth comes over me in the way that happens when you're meeting an old friend or about to eat a favourite desert.... but i get to greet this familiar refrain all the time here. you hear it from everyone - locals, foreigners of all flavours - westerners, south asians, non-qatari arabs, even casual visitors (including wes clark who i happened to meet the other night at a cigar event organized by a sheikh i know)..... the causal visitor encounters aside, there's almost a ritual to it among those of us who call these sands home and it goes something like this:

doha resident A - "did you hear about the couple that was arrested for kissing in city center last week?" [city center is a big mall and a major hang-out spot] "i read about it in the gulf times." [the gulf times is an insulting excuse of a newspaper that you only read when you've been here too long or have msn as your homepage due to lack of imagination]

doha resident B - "hmmmph. were they qatari?!?"

A - "no, foreigners."

doha resident C - "were they arab?!?"

A - "i don't know, the paper didn't say."

B - "you know, i've seen a lot of secretive hand-holding in city center these days... including qataris!" (triumphant grin over this nugget of insight)

C - "yes, but that's not kissing.... though i still can't believe they were arrested."

A - "well, ... at least it's not saudi!"

A,B,C and anyone else around all exchange meaningful glances at this point. At least one person mumbles "allhamdulila" [thanks to allah / praise to allah], no matter what religion or nationality he is (everyone's speech here is peppered with "inshallah" and "allhamdulila" and "mashallah" no matter where they are from). most likely at least one of the others repeats "allhamdulila" as they all nod meaningfully. then if you're lucky, somebody will bust out with some really great "Saudi is the source of all evil / hell on earth" story. and sure, maybe Saudi Arabia is the source of all evil [may allah smite me now for saying that (well, if allah "smites" that is; to my knowledge the quran is silent on that matter)], but the longer i am here the more I realize that Qatar is just a hop, skip, and jump away from Saudi, and the more i see the inherent contradictions and aberrations that inevitably exist in a society bowed under a form of islam that can be at best described as "conservative," the more that refrain seems hollow.

the lastest and most spirited rounds of "at least it's not saudi" i heard were in response to my telling people that i am now required to wear the abaya when on campus at qatar university. and i am now wearing the abaya on campus each day (hop), and i have a hijab, but am not required to cover my head (skip) or wear the face-covering yashmek (jump). this new requirement was forced upon me because (male) qatari students had complained to the administration that my presence was "offensive" because (1) i wore trousers and (2) the foreign female students occasionally purchased tea or snacks from the little cafeteria in the building where we take class and (3) they are extremely devout and this whole situation was intolerable. as i've explained, qatar university is entirely segregated by gender and in fact has "two campuses" (which are side-by-side and connected in a few points so professors and administrators and oddball students like us can pass from one side to the other). our arabic classes are mixed, and our classrooms are on the men's campus, and therein was the problem. after receiving these complaints, the foreign female students in our program were summoned to a meeting with the sheikha who is VP for student affairs and told we were barred from the cafeteria and needed to discuss dress code. of course the dress code discussion was all under the guise of our being young and beautiful (as if the problem was us, not the male students for whom it is totally acceptable to see foreign women as nothing more than sex objects, not even as people ... to put it in context, none of us had ever worn anything revealing even as much as an elbow, and i discreetly walk through the halls eyes downcast on my way to class to avoid being "offensive" ... none of us has ever actually sat in the little cafeteria, just purchased tea and gone back to class). furthermore, i was personally told in a round-about way that i needed to wear the abaya - "you will find the abaya very comfortable, and you will feel more comfortable wearing it; we are concerned with making you feel comfortable." ... i was not aware that i was uncomfortable in business blouses and trousers, and as for comfort - quick pop quiz: if you lived in the desert, would you want (a) to wear a loose, white, lightweight cotton nightshirt or (b) drown in a veritable swimmingpool of black rayon fabric that doesn't breath well? if you have two peas in your brain, you would chose (a) [my apologies to those who chose (b)]. ... i was fairly horrified about how the whole situation was handled, we all were. we also took the opportunity to raise some questions about facilities for female students, and while listening to the disappointing answers, all that was running through my head was "separate but equal is inherently unequal." ... but there is only so much challenging the culture that i can do, and i'm here on a Fulbright, meant to be an ambassador of goodwill and all that. (i did say the word "vagina" in talking about "the vagina monologues" while at dinner with two girlfriends last week, one of whom is a member of the royal family - now that was scandalous...) so i try to remain a beacon of tolerance and understanding, i am here after all to learn, even as i am told that my presence is offensive to men holier than i am simply because i am a woman and then hear these same men whistle at me as i walk by in my abaya on my way to class..... this thanksgiving i was able to give thanks for coming from a society that does not treat women as less than full citizens, or see them only as sexual objects or creatures here to do the bidding of their husbands. and of course i am speaking in generalities, but one specific i am sure of is that gender dynamics here are totally, totally bizarre... and so i wear the abaya every day now. but at least i am able to move freely in public without being escorted by a male family member, to show my head, to drive, and sit freely in the "family" section of restaurants or cafes on my own.... at least it's not saudi! (allhamdulila)

another note or two on gender dynamics while i'm on the subject -

first, i have realized how very common it is for men here to have more than one wife. call it naivete, but i somehow just thought it was more the exception than the rule in modern, progressive qatar. but that is not the case. 2 - 3 wives is the norm. 4 is a little greedy. and 1 means you've got a talker! (a woman who speaks up) ... or maybe, just maybe a man who sees polygamy as problematic for the family unit ... i know i should not have been so surprised. after all, it was only in the last few years that a law was passed saying women had to be 16 to be married. and polygamy is legal. and this is still a society where showing one's ankles is enough to cause weeks of malicious gossip and, as the ABC conversation demonstrates (which is a true story - happened two weeks ago), public displays of affection can have serious consequences, and where men dominate absolutely... but i suppose i just somehow thought that the practice was less prevalent than it is. but i was wearing my liberal blonde blinders and just didn't see reality.

second, i have also recently learned, through my sources of enlightenment in the boys dorm(which is about 250 - 300 men, mostly non-qatari arabs, the africans, the kims, etc., plus two americans who have great senses of humor and keep me up on the news), that homosexuality is widespread and accepted among men in the gulf. as they explained it to me, it's really not all that surprising - you segregate the genders enough and it's bound to happen. apparently some of the students - especially those who were raised in saudi (!!) had never seen anything beyond the round of a woman's face before coming to doha (and they still don't see much on campus, rest assured).... these same students and others explained how sexual activity was very common between men in saudi, and all across the gulf, including qatar (and, in fact, including the qatar university men's dorm). (though not in other areas of the arab world where the genders freely mingle and ankles and wrists are shown with reckless abandon each day.) apparently partaking in such activity is not considered "gay" provided you are the one being pleasured, not doing the pleasuring..... this is all quietly tolerated of course because homosexual activity is illegal and un-islamic and would lead to arrest and probably more serious repercussions than heterosexual smooching..... even in dubai, the arab world's amsterdam, where all things sinful and free are tolerated, there is no tolerance of homosexuality. recently, a gay wedding at a dubai night club was broken up by the police and resulted in arrests, deportations, and a strong message that this sort of behaviour would not be tolerated in the emirates.

all of this of course makes you wonder which parts of these societies are ideal / progressive / muslim? in doha, there's a black market for whiskey and a black market for rice. the whiskey market is for rich local men who need to hide the purchase, drink the whole bottle in one go so as not to be caught with it, and then driver their land cruisers into sand-dunes. the rice market is for the impoverished south asian workers who are the infrastructure of this place but are paid appalling wages - of which they send as much as they can back to their families - and don't have enough to afford rice from the stores.... a foreign woman in business trousers is offensive to one's purity, but getting a quick blow-job from a muslim man doesn't make you gay..... perhaps the best image for all of this is something i came across while wandering around bleary-eyed in the dubai airport at some ungodly hour of the morning. to keep myself awake, i was flipping through every magazine i could find. in this flipping frenzy, i picked up "Esquire" - the men's magazine - and was amused to discover that all photos that had nipples peeping through sheer material (which seemed to be a theme in this issue) had been covered over with black magic marker. it reminded me of when our family bought a book in china - one of the "day in the life" photography books - where a picture of political posters relating to tiananmen were carefully crossed out in black magic marker. clearly, while calls for a representative government are revolutionary in china, the sight of nipples is unsettling in the UAE. ... but, at least it's not saudi - where the sight of nipples would probably lead to rioting religious police and stonings....

oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy....

i think living here has given me a lot to be thankful for this season... and taught me to be thankful for so many intangibles i never even noticed.... and allhamdulila for that!

i hope this finds you all in fine, free spirits.