many worlds, many moments

it has arrived. the moment the sandaled, young, drivers-of-SUVs-like-screams-in-the-night, the twirlers-of-prayer-beads-like-breathing, the wearers-of-baseball-caps-with-their-thubes-in-place-of-headdresses have been waiting for.... drumroll please....... arabian gulf rap / hip-hop is here! the first gulf rap group - army of one - was just in dubai promoting their new hit single - "lapdance" [because that's a common activity in the region, let me tell you] ... i love hearing this song on the radio - the first time i literally laughed out loud - after some beats / intro it begins with the call - "kuwait city!!" .... "yalla!" ... and it just gets better - talking about watching this girl at the club [what club? kuwait is a totally dry country & has no clubs] looking fine & "shaking it like only an arabic lady can" [where is she shaking it? at the nonexistent club? under her abeya? how can he tell? maybe he consumed some non-existent alcohol and is blurry-eyed.] ... kuwait city - yalla!

yalla, indeed. it has been quite a week. some real frustrations, but some important realizations, and lovely moments as well.

i finally acknowledged the toll that constantly being conscious of my gender was taking on me and how frustrating that can be.... there was some sense of relief in being able to just face that - seeing my tension for what it is, taking a break from trying to be tolerant or brave about it all and just saying, this is frustrating and it effects you - each little moment effects you in some small way and it adds up and that's fine... release. i have never been anywhere where i am always, always conscious of my gender - and usually feel punished or harassed for it. and i know there are worlds of complexity here, but i'm expressing how i feel - not what's politically correct. an interesting political note was reading about saudi women telling karen hughes they love the abeya (it's fun and fashionable) & they don't want to drive.... so what do i know? but for every member of the hand-picked saudi audience that expressed that women in saudi have "more than equal rights" [not sure what that means exactly], there are local friends who feel suffocated by a society in which their slightest movements are judged and the showing of a face, a strand of hair, an ankle has all sorts of implications, or where a university administrator running an orientation program for the cornell campus sitting with a male student in the public meeting point for the orientation after he was the first to arrive is enough to cause scandalous gossip and personal shame and anxiety (she was just doing her job), or where the government's efforts to create women's sports teams in time for the asian games which will be held in doha next year are floundering because young women are fearful of the repercussions of playing sports - their mothers wisely counsel it will ruin their chances of marriage as what mother in law would accept a daughter-in-law who publicly wore sporting gear and ran around for all the world to see? ....

i often find myself marveling at how strained gender relations are here when i experience the complete segregation of the sexes as i cross from the men's campus to the women's campus for my international law class. the fault line between black and white i felt in my classroom is real in the division between the two campuses - going from the realm of the white thubes and shwarma in the canteen to the billowing of black abeyas and starbucks pastries. (the women's side has a starbucks on site) ... at least i feel as though i'm navigating my way better in both worlds - a few of the men in class have become more comfortable with my presence and will look at / speak to me directly - and i'm accepted as a curiosity in my international law class (though floundered last class when i was asked (in arabic) to explain the principles of the american revolution (in arabic)!! i got as far as "freedom" when the professor jumped in with chatter about individual rights and self-determination...)

but of course nothing is completely black and white and the more interesting moments are when the different realities of those in my class or of the diverse friends i have come to know here overlap and interact... i always envision it as bubbles sort of gently bumping into each other - sometimes merging for a moment, sometimes causing an explosion, sometimes not quite meeting - always ending up somewhat soapy.

the most touching moment of this week was definitely a soapy, realities rubbing moment. violeta is the muslim woman from kosovo in my class. her husband no longer accompanies her to class and she has even taken her gloves off in class on occasion; she's about six months pregnant - very visibly pregnant actually, but i didn't notice at first under the swells of black cloth. we sit next each other in class and she speaks to me, but not the other (male) students and often looks at my notes because the professor's handwriting is a mess and she can't always follow. we are definitely floating in different realities, but have a funny little camaraderie of sorts. i have even seen her face once. we had to get student id cards and i offered to go with her to the office. her husband came along because he was waiting for her after class. the office turned out to be an odd classroom / photography gig to do the photos & laminating for the ids where a friendly, round man said we needed to be photographed. strangely the wall behind him was covered in a very eclectic set of photos - close-ups of plant organs, operations on mice, and smiling students by an SUV.... violeta's husband had gone to do his noon prayers [each building in has an area for prayers in case students don't have time to go to the mosque between classes]. i did my picture and she had asked that i stay (so she wouldn't be alone with this man). she asked if she could take her picture with her face still covered - her eyes were visible - but the friendly photographer said no. i could see how much it pained her to reveal her face, and i almost wanted to hold her hand. i think i may have touched her shoulder as she removed the veil and walked to the stool. i stayed on the other side of the small room, studying the bizarre photos and tried not to add to her discomfort. after it was done, and she was re-covered, we went and waited for her husband to finish his prayers because i needed to explain to them how to find an office they needed. i did, and we parted. but there was some new, subtle intimacy in our interactions after that - violeta often pulls at my arm when she can't read my notebook and i ask about her baby. the other day she showed up to class with a fabulous new notebook and i asked where she got it. she said she didn't know because her husband had purchased it for her. the week unfolded in class, i found the still point of my frustration during tuesday's class reviewing our writing topics for the term - one of which is writing on the role [singular] of women in society. violeta and i were sitting silently side by side, but i felt bubbles apart... on thursday, while wallowing in grammar class, violeta pulled out a notebook like hers and gave it to me. i was so touched. perhaps all the more so because it had been a challenging week trying to find where i fit here, and this small gesture was somehow an acceptance. it was a soapy moment.

but enough soap. time for some substance - i went to "the doha debates" - a monthly debate where invited speakers debate provocative issues in the arab / muslim world before an audience who asks questions. the debates are broadcast on BBC world (and i think sometimes on cspan as well)... very interesting - both the issues and that it happens here in qatar. the country is really trying to promote public dialogue and two of the emir's children were in the audience asking challenging questions... here's the website in case you're curious - http://www.thedohadebates.com/output/page1.asp . this month's debate topic was - this house believes that arab governments have failed the palestinians ... needless to say, it was an intense discussion. [it will be re-broadcast on BBC world on oct. 1st. 12:10 & 19:10 GMT & on oct. 2nd at 7:10 &17:10 GMT if you're keen]

yesterday i spent the day out on a boat - which was just beautiful. the gulf is very salty, but the water is warm and the sky eternally clear and sunny.... heading back towards shore last night and looking at the doha lights rising out of the dark water, i felt a sense of peace about my progress in this place so far and where i am. it has only been a month.